Wednesday, May 29, 2013

A Crown to Her Husband

When I was growing up, it was expected that any women of worth would pursue an advanced education, secure a well-paying job and embark on her own personal journey of "having it all".  She knew that her sense of worth came from accolades achieved in the business world rather than in the appreciation of "some man".  She knew that the only path to personal fulfillment was to follow her dreams and succeed in her chosen profession.  She knew, that unlike her unfortunate predecessors, she would never be dependent on a man to complete her life.  She, I... knew everything.

When I was in my early 20's I experienced an unexpected renaissance.  I began to question everything I had grown up believing.  I stopped ignoring the gnawing ache that I experienced every time I dropped my daughter off at preschool.  I began to allow myself to enjoy serving and caring for my husband.  I began to crave the praises of my grateful family instead of the "atta girls" from my boss.  I began to understand that the work and effort I put into my family had returns far greater than could ever be realized in a mere "paying" job.

Over the years, I have had the opportunity to know many different people, with many different backgrounds and many different talents.  I have watched as families have flourished and as they have failed.  I have seen wives build their homes up and tear their homes down.  I have watched as some women gave everything to their families and other women gave everything to their job.

When I was in the working world, I put all of my strength, effort and talent into making money for the boss.  When he told me to jump, I asked "how high?".  If my husband and I had plans for the weekend and a last minute "emergency" project came in, my plans with my husband were inevitably scrapped.  My job came first.  My boss, not my husband, was on the receiving end of my best.  In my quest for personal fulfillment, I exchanged the freedom of being a wife for slavery of being just an employee.

When women use their gifts and talents in their home, it is a thing of unsurpassed beauty.  I love cooking, baking and making my house a home.  I could go out into the world, start a business and be highly successful, however, that would be a waste of my talents.  Think about it.  If I ran a restaurant or a bakery or an interior design business, I could delight a few customers for a few years.  If, instead, I bake for my family and create a cozy, inviting home for my husband and children, I will impact generations of people.  By using the gifts that God has given me to serve the most important people in my life, I can direct the course of the future.  Just try to get a paying job to do that!

The truth of the matter is that when you use your strengths in a job, no matter how good you are, you are still just an employee.  Even if you own the business and you're the boss, your business is just a business.  It is not eternal.  But, your husband and your children are.  They deserve the very best of you - not the leftovers.

When you are feeling overwhelmed, unappreciated and like you're wasting your life serving everyone but yourself, be of good courage.  You are becoming a crown to your husband - an object of royal beauty.  Your children will one day raise up and called you blessed - something your boss will never do.  In truth, a paycheck is a poor substitute for the riches of true womanhood.


  1. Thank you so much for this post. I needed it today.

    God Bless

  2. A beautifully expressed encouraging word and a wonderful validation to all us gals who 'don't work'!

  3. Enola,


    going off topic for a moment....

    The Peoples bank of China raised the value of the "Yuan" (chinease dollar) in a move to push it further to towards a new "Worlds Reserve Currency"

    Currently the dollar is the Reserve Currency and if the trend continues the dollar of course will collapse.
    China, Austrailia, and New Zealand are currently in talks to trade amongst themselves to use the Yuan instead of dollars.

    This is part of an overall broader plan to include a huge energy exports from the United States by weaking the dollar so the oil and natural gas will be "dirt cheap"
    Down here in the Eagle Ford oil play we are seeing infrastructor laid out to "export oil and liquified natural gas" A huge natural gas facility is being built in Louisiana to "liquidfy" the natural gas for export in tankers and the Panama Canal is being widened to handle ships of much greater tonnage. Many large construction projects are underway all up and down the Texas and Louisiana Gulf Coast.

    The Chinease will buy up all the energy they can at bargain rate prices. This may be the "last" great industrial growth spurt in the United States and we can reap huge profits over the next 20 years before we are reduced to a second and then third world country.

    Its a new form of "Colonialism" It all started back with George Bush "Senior" when he started "NAFTA" (North American Free Trade Agreement) Bill Clinton signed into law and the "gutting" of American idustry began (all you Union members that voted for Bill Clinton' I hope your happy now)

    My advice is, if you live in the "American Redoubt" and you want to line your pockets with money for land back home in Idaho or whereever. Get down here and start working. Get a trailer to live in, save all your pennies and (silver) dimes to send home. I predict most cities in the U.S. will look like Detriot, Michigan in future years. Get back to the land, build a homestead get ready to live, like it was the 19th Century all over again.

    As per the Texas redoubt, we may hold out for many years after the great oil boom subsides as long as the "pumpjacks and gas wells" are holding out. Our great concern now is the "Amnesty bill" floating around in the Senate. Theres the potential of 55 million new citizens on welfare we have to deal with.

    Yeah' thats right, "55 MILLION" new Democratic Socailist Voters and welfare parasites (Oh' I mean family members) to bring in from Mexico and everywhere else.

    I pray we can stop this bill.....

  4. I spent my childhood in a almost Leave It To Beaver-ish style home and lifestyle (with a healthy shot of Addams' Family)-and I'm glad of it...

  5. My parents were married in 1969 and I (the oldest of 7) was born in May 1971. I am so blessed that my parents decided that my mom's most important contribution to society would be the children they raised. All 7 (no, we are not Mormom) of us and our 5 spouses have been involved in ministry outreaches throughout our adult life. Four of us have children and all of the kids have stay at home mommies. I worked at Taco Bell for 3 months after baby #2 was born, but since it was at night, my husband would put the kids in their jammies and drive down to TB and sit in the parking lot because he and the kids missed me. I was trying to make enough money to buy a newer car. After 2 months, we decided it just wasn't worth it. I love being able to raise my kids, never had to drop them off for daycare, I never missed the first anything, and now that they are older teenagers, I still get to be home to know all about their lives. Also, my husband asked me to be a stay at home mom when we discussed marriage. We have been pastors at a small church for the last 5 years and because I have no other obligations, we are able to serve our church and community together. I am so thankful to have passed this desire, which comes from the Word of God, on to my 2 children. When they talk about marriage they mention that they want to follow our pattern. My husband also came from a stay-at-home-mom family. I think it is important to encourage our children that men are the providers and women are their helpmates in whatever capacity is necessary at the time. I remember my mom helping my dad work on construction jobs. All of us kids played in the dirt piles and nailed scraps of lumber together while they worked, but mom was only there when dad needed an extra hand, not permanently. Even then, they were working together. I hope to bring compliments to my husband because of the kind of wife, mother, and pastor's wife I am.

  6. Fortunately your husband appreciates your choice, and is supportive, and the two of you work together toward the same goals. I, like you, chose to leave a career to marry and raise a family. I told my co-workers, "A hundred years from now it won't matter how many press releases I write, but it will matter how I raise my children." Fast forward 22 years ... the kids and the husband are not happy that I am not contributing to the never-ending desire for cash. My husband's mother worked and got her doctorate, and between the education requirements of his family -- I only have a bachelor's degree -- and the expectation for a paycheck, I am every day looked at as a failure. Yes, they are Christians, and yes I was busy and productive and always working for them and our community (and our home). But they don't care. So sometimes it is tough to work that hard and wonder if somewhere somebody else might have actually cared more. I'm still hoping they will understand and be more appreciative when they are parents themselves, but judging by my in-laws, I'm not confident. I do enjoy reading about your family, and wish you many blessings.

    1. Yours is a sad story. I truly feel for you. Sounds like your in-laws have an unhealthy influence on your household. If you husband wants all this extra money then he can get a better paying job. If your kids want money then they can get a job. You don't sound like your confidence about your decision and if that is the case do something about it. It's never to late. Stay home, don't stay home - bottom line is to do what is best for you and yours, not to try to be like other people or to fit in some square peg if you are a round circle. Here is a link to a terrific blog, one of my favorites along with Enola's blog Lady Lydia has alot to say about men that demand their wives work.

      If your husband's mother is super women, well goody two shoes for her, that doesn't mean you have to be like her. Many men are afraid to carry the income burden because of the indoctrination of feminist over the years, but your husbands needs to man up and stop wanting to be taken care of by his woman. It is very expensive to go work, clothes, car, gas, breakfast, lunch by the time you add up all the expenses you might as well have stayed home. AND you have been a stay at home wife and mother for 22 years, why does your family have their panties in a twist? I don't get it.

      What do degrees have to do with anything? There are very rich people that never graduated from high school. Degrees are meaningless unless your the one with the degree. A fancy degree just means you've learn to be a good slave.

      Buck up - If you don't like your life then change it.

    2. Your mother-in-law made high education and money a priority (perhaps even idolized them) in her life. And look how her son turned out. That boy needs to be taken out to the woodshed. Shaolin is right, he needs to MAN-up. It is HIS job to provide and protect for his family. His responsibility to protect includes protecting you from any abuse from his family.

      I understand your doubt that your husband will change. God is watching. Keep your faith in Him and follow it.
      Montana Guy

    3. As a child in the 60's my mother stayed home. After the youngest of us learned to make toast and stir Nestle into milk she got a job. Until then, I remember happiness and family time. After she began work, it seemed life was a race: we raced out the door to school with no breakfast, she raced to work, raced home to do chores and our homework. We ate in a hurry so mom and dad could go to more parties, go golfing, bowling, and have people over. I had guidance and support until mom went to work then time became short and money long, so we were handed money to go to the movies,were dropped off at carnivals, taken to large amusement parks. No one ever questioned what we watched or did because they had "raised us right", despite I was only nine years old. I am fortunate that I was not killed, raped or hooked on drugs, much less some boys toy.
      This continued until my parents divorced. I blame my mother working outside the home; I do not know if my father was an influence in it or not. All the fancy vacations and cars the extra money paid for were worth NOTHING in my book. In the end, Mom had to work to support herself. I remember my mom saying that my dad was jealous of the amount of money she made.

    4. I married someone who insisted I work until babies came but agreed that I would stay home to raise the children. After the first baby came, he changed his mind and demanded I continue to work. After baby two came, I took a year off to his dismay, but she was premature and had apnea. When he decided I needed to go to school, we bought a house nearer to his work and university. He was shocked when I told him how much we could put down on a house, all of it saved during my "wasted" year at home. This fact did not sway him. I had a 1yr old and preschooler and went to school full time, kept the house and gave birth to baby 3 between semesters, obediently returning to school. We saved nothing and when he was hurt in an auto accident, I had to borrow money from my mom to buy food. After I finished school, we sold the home I had remodeled without his help and moved into a fixer upper house and I stayed at home. He got uglier and uglier about my "not bringing in my half of the income", so I went back to work, juggling children's school, daycare, sports, remodeling and keeping the house to his expectations. Nothing I ever did was good enough, despite having a home my mother and I made into something worthy of a Victorian Home magazine picture spread.

      I finally realized it wasn't me not being good enough, it was him. I was a source of income, no better than a prostitute. To save my children and sanity, I divorced him. I am not saying you should do this. It was the right thing for me at that time. Yes, I still had to work, but it wasn't the same. I married someone that I am more equally yoked to, who sees the value in what I do as wife, mother, homeschooler, and homemaker. His words to our son just this week were, "life is about giving others freedom". I asked him how I was able to give anyone freedom and he explained that everything I teach the children frees them from ignorance, everything I do for him allows him to do other things, everything we do for others allows them to in return do for others". It all played back to the Golden Rule. In short, he sees value in all that I do. I almost cried.
      The last time I was in my ex's old home town one of his friends stopped me. He was flabberghasted by my divorce, everyone thought we were "happy". He could not wait to tell me how he felt used by my husband and how one sided the friendship was. It was all about what he could do for my ex and how much the ex demanded without any giving in return. He just wanted me to know that he and many others now saw the problem, basically how selfish he was.
      It is difficult to raise children to be cheerful givers and doers when their father is not one, that is why I made the decision I did. My oldest son has already told me how different they would be if they had been raised in his house, where the motto is "I got mine", something I long ago realized he got from his selfish father.
      My prayers are with you.

  7. Well said. Life is more rewarding with Christian values in order.

  8. Excellent post and so true. What we spend our time doing is how we spend our very lives and you hit the nail on the head when said you can affect generations of people when you choose to serve your family.
    I was just telling someone the other day that we women were fooled more easily than the young friends of Tom Sawyer and all wanted so badly to "paint the fence" ie Tom convinced his friends that his task of work was so fun that they were missing out and he was then able to sit back and relax while his work was done by his misled friends. We bought the lie that we were useless unless we were making our way "in a man's world" and left our high calling to pursue the interests of others instead of our dearest loved ones. And our whole society has suffered for it as well as our beloved husbands and children.
    Thank you for yet again a thought provoking and enlighting post, dear sister in Christ.

  9. Walking into a bathroom where the toilet has been flushed ahead of me and is filled with clean water is a daily reward I can afford by working as an employee Enola. My family while outside of my care has somehow survived,prospered, and grown in Gods Grace.It can be done.

  10. Amen! Yes! I couldn't agree more with everything you wrote. The world screams out that we need more than "staying at home" for validation/significance, but there are a few voices out there like yours willing to stand for a truth that is unpopular to the world. My husband and I have made tremendous sacrifices for me to be a full time mom, but we don't regret it. And I am grateful to have a husband who thinks this is as important as I do.

    Case in point- Mary was a stay at home mom. She birthed and raised Jesus and two writers of New Testament books. Insignificant job? I think not. Eternal impact? No doubt.

  11. Thank you for this post, Enola. Your life is not easy, but we are not promised an easy life, are we? It does appear that it is a beautiful, love filled life and that is far more important.


  12. Enola,

    Reading this is, to me is a breath of fresh air. As a man now in my early 60s, I never understood at that time, late 60s early 70s, how so many people could think that a job is more important than family. I have had to keep my opinions to myself all these years, as so many women bought into the, you can have it all. As well as some being openly hostile, thinking that I as a man was keeping them down.

    I am so glad that people are finally realizing what is important. I am not talking about a woman being a slave to a lazy un-caring man, but both working together at what they do best for the good of the family and of society. One only has to look at our society and how things have deteriorated that last 40 years to see the damage that has been done.
    I raised my two children alone, and went the extra mile, or I should say miles to be there for them and take care of them. I can tell you from experience that raising a family, there is no replacement for a loving caring mother.
    Thank you

  13. Is there anymore important job than wife/mother. Without that anchor we would be but beasts in the wilderness!
    I have been amazingly lucky. My wife and I agreed when we had children then she would sacrifice her career( note I do not say give up work, for being a mother is far more work that most careers!) for the well being if our children. We were blessed with seven boys( 2 sets of twins, a million to one odds said the doctors!) and even though my military career meant I was often absent for months at a time, my wife managed. It was a struggle sometimes and as the twins became teenagers I resigned my commission to be home more. All through my wife ran our smallholding( though we had little livestock we had four sixty foot polytunnels and dozens of chickens), took care of the finances and home schooled our boys! Our youngest starts university this year and life is far easier now but my hero will always be my wife!
    If I hear people saying how easy it is to be a stay at home mom I really do feel like administering as swift boot into the seat of their pants!!

  14. Enola thank you for the great post! I feel just like you, but needed the great encouragement of your post. I was raised in daycare while my mom strived to "have it all". As soon as I was old enough in her opinion, age 10, I was left at home alone to take care of myself. All through my childhood and young womanhood I saw the women in my family proudly declaring how they didn't "need" a man and work their jobs, while their children were raised by underpaid daycare workers, and then raise themselves in highschool. These women in my family have all been divorced multiple times, their children(except those that accepted Christ) are drug addicts, alcoholics, and have multiple children out of wedlock with differet people. Non of them want to get married, maybe after seeing the constant parade of different "dads" and listening to their mom demean and belittle men they don't view marriage or family life as a very pleasant thing?

    Both my sister and I decided, mostly from the experiences we had growing up, to raise our children differently and be stay at home moms. We both accepted Christ as adults, but even before that I knew I would never try to "have it all" because I had seen the very real cost.

    There are times when being a homemaker is frustrating or exhausting, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. We live on a tiny income, but we make it work by being frugal and staying out of debt.

    I love you blog, been reading it for a couple of years now. Thank you and keep up the good work.

  15. Lovely when I had my first child in my early 30's that I had that aha moment that your identity is not your job description .